Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Rest & Relaxation (sort of)

Today is the first day in I-can't-remember-how-long that I've spent the morning at home with LO all by ourselves. In fact, the more that I think about it, this may actually be the first day since we came down to Charleston that I'm at home with her alone! Wow. I'm really enjoying our time together. It's just like how it "used to be" when I stayed at home with her while hubs was at work before this fun journey of ours began. So let's talk about why I'm at home with LO...

As you may recall, Chase was admitted to the pediatric step-down unit, 7C, on Sunday morning. So I went to the hospital Sunday morning and stayed there for about 36 hours straight. Let me tell you: 7C is no picnic. Chase pretty much slept most of the day Sunday. I attempted to sleep Sunday night on the lovely little plastic couch provided, but it was not happening. It never happened. So my hope was that I could make up for it Monday while Chase slept during the day... notsomuch. The door to our "private room" was a revolving one the entire day! From the expected visits from the nurse to bring his food and meds, to the maintenance folks coming in to "repair" the damaged window blinds, backed-up sink or squeaky door (none of which were fixed, by the way), to the random visits from several others, it was a tough day all around. And you can imagine how easy it was to stick to my pumping schedule with this kind of chaos. Of course my Monday started off nice and early with the ENT doc telling me Chase would need a repeat of last Wednesday's "routine" procedure. Needless to say, by late Monday, I was exhausted, both physically and emotionally.

My game plan was still to stay at the hospital Monday night, but hubs just wasn't having it. He gave me the whole speech about me running myself down, not getting any sleep, ending up sick, being useless to everyone, and so on... I knew he was right, but I wasn't sure I could bring myself to leave my precious baby boy in the hospital overnight all by himself when I had the green light to stay with him 24/7! I was a basketcase. This was the hardest thing ever. I cried when I was walking out of the unit around 11PM last night. It was as difficult as that first night I had to leave him in the PCICU after I had been discharged from the hospital. But ultimately, I have to keep reminding myself that this truly is in everyone's best interest -- especially Chase's -- as I can't be any good for him, LO or hubs if I'm exhausted and sick.

So I got up this morning intending to head back to the hospital, but unfortunately (and not surprisingly) I was not feeling well this morning at all. I slept well, but obviously needed much more to get myself back in shape. So my wonderful husband headed to the hospital to spend the day with our son while I stayed home with LO. It was great. I'm still in my PJs. We played, watched Dora, ate lunch and now she's napping. I was able to make a casserole for dinner tonight and put it in the fridge, empty the dishwasher and tidy up the living room. It's amazing the new joy these mundane tasks bring me now that I've been through what I've been through over the past 3 weeks. And I'm very happy to say I'm feeling much better as well!

So since I have a good solid hour of "free time" right now, I'm going to end this post and take myself a lovely, much-needed nap. Hopefully very soon we'll have an update regarding when both Chase's "routine" bronchoscopy and swallow study will be scheduled so I can have you all praying during those times. Thanks again to all of my blog readers -- friends, family, strangers -- who have been lifting my family up in prayer throughout this journey. I know God is with us and has never left us!

I will leave you with the words of a song that so encouraged and inspired me last night during one of my darkest moments so far on this journey. Thanks, Jen, for allowing God to use you to share these words with me at just the right time!

All things work for our good
though sometimes we can't see how they could.
Struggles that break our hearts in two
sometimes blind us to the truth.
Our Father knows whats best for us;
His ways are not our own.
So, when your pathway grows dim,
and you just can't see Him,
Remember He's still on the throne.

God is too wise to be mistaken.
God is too good to be unkind.
So when you don't understand,
when you don't see His plan,
When you cant trace His hand, trust His heart.

He sees the Master plan.
He holds the future in His hands.
So don't live as those who have no hope.
All our hope is found in Him.
We walk in present knowledge,
but He sees the first and the last.
And like a tapestry, Hes weaving you and me
to someday be just like Him.

God is too wise to be mistaken.
God is too good to be unkind.
So when you don't understand,
when you don't see His plan,
When you cant trace His hand, trust His heart.