Saturday, October 2, 2010

Thoughts

So there's a post or two that I really want to write, maybe even need to write. You know, just to get my thoughts out of my head and into the world, a chance to find out whether or not I'm taking crazy pills or if it really is what it really is. But it's so hard. While I want to express my thoughts and share my mind, I'm pretty sure I'd be told this isn't the place to do it. Which sucks. 'Cause this is my outlet. So I'll try not to get into the detail of what is truly going on in my life. Honestly, I don't believe a person exists who I can share my personal issues and struggles with, and that sure does make life awful difficult. I mean, once upon a time I had some very close friendships and even (believe it or not!) family who cared about how I am honestly, truly, seriously doing. Not one of those, "How are you?" "Oh, I'm fine." type exchanges, but the kind that really gets to the bottom of things and offers the kind of support I hope and pray I offer to others. That ear to listen. That shoulder to cry on. That hug that says everything's gonna be okay. That doesn't exist for me anymore. What's that leave me? Alone. Totally alone.

Before Chase's diagnosis, I still had some tight friendships and, if I recall, was still somewhat close to my family. Well, through all we've been through with our sweet miracle child over the past year, we've had to put up walls. Not walls that we enjoyed putting up. Certainly not walls that we were eager in any way to put up. But walls that meant safety, protection. Walls that meant health for our children. But in the midst of protecting wonderful  Chase (and for the record I wouldn't change a thing--he's healthy and I'm grateful!), we seem to have alienated those who once upon a time were closest to us. I thought maybe after the "bubble" popped and we were able to rejoin civilization that maybe those friendships and relationships would work themselves out and return to "normal" (albeit a "new" normal since our lives will never be what they were before Chase's diagnosis). Those people who I had to inadvertantly distance myself from since I was unable to leave the confines of my home so as to keep my child safe. Those people who used to be a part of my life. Those people who I miss greatly. But alas, that is not the case. My world revolves around my life as a wife and mom, and notsomuch as a daughter, sister, friend, in-law and the like. It's not easy. And it hurts. And I'm trying to make sense of it all.

I don't know if this is normal. I can't help but feel that after experiencing the emotional roller-coaster I've been on the past 12+ months that maybe it should be expected that life would end up different. That I would end up different. Guess I was just expecting different, not bad-different. I feel lost in my own life and I don't know where to turn. What is a person to do after going through the entire gamut of emotions I've been through? Is there a "diagnosis" for this condition I have? Is there a fix for it? I sure hope so.

In the meantime, I'm going to try my very best to get myself back to the foundation of all that matters: my relationship with Christ. I know that if things are right between me and God, that things can be right between me and the rest of the world. I guess it'll take time. More time. But as of now, I guess that's all I've really got: plenty of time to sit and wait and hope and pray and dream and wish for things to be all that I desire them to be once again.