Saturday, October 23, 2010

Reflections...

I've got a lot to do. My list is two pages long, and it's not all crossed off just yet. Chase's 1st birthday party will officially begin in less than 3 hours. Yet I find myself drawn to writing this post. A post of reflections. This isn't a reflection of all that Chase has been through over the past year. It's not a reflection of where we were one year ago today. It's a reflection of God's grace. His love. His blessings unfolding abundantly on undeserving little me.

When we started our heart journey with Chase on June 16, 2009, my life changed. Forever. I will never be the same person. At the time, that was a scary thought. But now? I am so grateful that God has changed me. He's pushed me to grow as a Christian, a wife, a mother and a person. He's pushed me through the deepest darkness I've ever known. He's pushed me closer to Him. And for that, I couldn't be more thankful.

Life as a heart mom isn't easy. There isn't a DAY MOMENT that goes by that I don't think of the "what if's" of having a child with a special heart. Point blank: The fear of losing my child is REAL and is with me EVERY MOMENT of EVERY DAY. Most parents don't have to deal with this. But I do. And it's so very hard. But God continues to push me. He pushes me through those dark thoughts and fears and reminds me of just how good He is. And He is so very good.

I can't help but think, as we celebrate Chase's first year, that there are so many other families who have lost their precious little one to this evil thing called HLHS. So many  young, innocent little lives have been called home to Heaven while their parents grieve and mourn their loss. This is unimaginable to me. I fear it happening to me every day, but to actually experience it? There are no words. There have been so many lost, and there are so many who are fighting for their life even as I type this post. I cannot understand this side of Heaven why God chooses to let some of these precious little ones stay here with their families, while some of them are called home to be with Him. So as I celebrate all that God has done for my sweet Chase over the past year, I can't help but think of all of the families who will never experience the joy of the amazing milestone of their child's first birthday. We are so blessed. And I do not for one second take that for granted.

As I looked back on the blog to see what we were up to one year ago today (3 days before Chase's birth -- there was a Target run, a dead Jeep battery and a lack of AT&T cell phone service involved -- I came across a post I wrote that contained some quotes from a book titled, Little Miracles, compiled by Dan Zadra. There are a few quotes that are especially meaningful to me today, and I'd like to share them with you again.

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. ~ Joseph Campbell

All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I've never been one who thought the Lord should make life easy; I've just asked Him to make me strong. ~ Eva Bowring

When nothing is sure, everything is possible. ~ Margaret Drabble

Where there is great love, there are always miracles. ~ Willa Cather

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today. ~ William Allen White

How simple it is to see all the worry in the world cannot control the future. How simple it is to see that we can only be happy now, and that there will never be a time when it is not now. ~ Gerald Jampolsky