Thursday, December 13, 2012

We're Having a...

...baby with a HEALTHY 4-CHAMBER HEART!!!


We are so very happy and blessed that our newest little one looked wonderful at my 19-week full anatomy scan earlier this week. However, I was so completely unprepared for the flood of emotions I felt the morning of the appointment.

We were scheduled for a 9AM visit on Tuesday, December 11th. I dropped Chase off at my mom's and hit the road. Hubs and I drove separately as he would be heading to work after the appointment while I would be going back to get Chase. For some reason, I was led to listen to Matt Hammitt's All of Me in the car the whole way there. On repeat.

And I cried.

A lot.

Unexpectedly.

I was so overwhelmed. My thoughts of course turned to my amazing heart warrior as the lyrics spoke of how "I can't give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole." I thought of the unknown future of my baby as "I'm so close to what I can't control." I didn't know what the outcome of this appointment would be. I was so scared. But it was so surprising to me because -- and this is me keeping it real out here -- I honestly hadn't bonded with the baby and or truly accepted the fact that I was expecting for the past 5 months. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was so scared of the unknown future that I thought it'd be better if I didn't bond with the baby so I wouldn't be nearly as devastated as I was when we received Chase's diagnosis. I had already fallen SO in love with that baby boy that his congenital heart defect diagnosis was completely unbearable.

If I didn't accept this baby, I couldn't be hurt if/when I found out something was wrong. Horrible logic, I know, but that didn't change my mindset.

Finally, about 40 excruciating minutes after we arrived, we were called back for our appointment. And much to our relief, we went straight for the ultrasound.

The technician was amazing and very upbeat. It was hard to hide the tears welling up in my eyes as I took my place and she prepared for the ultrasound with the warm gel on my growing belly. I apologized over and over and told her it wasn't her, it was me. Hubs made a brief comment about our history (speaking of Chase) and she knew exactly what he was referring to. Apparently she remembered us from one of our millions of ultrasounds with Chase. She said she was doing her best to hold herself together. Very sweet.

When she started the scan, the baby was breach and basically curled up into a ball. This was the worst possible position for us to see the heart, so the tech continued with the scan. She took measurements, pointed out images on the screen, and did a great job of talking us through the appointment. While everything she saw looked good, every muscle in my body was completely tense. I couldn't budge. I even remember telling myself to relax but I just couldn't do it. I was so nervous. Even though everything she saw looked great, I kept waiting for her to get to the part that didn't look great.

The baby cooperated with us and turned around so we could get great pics of the heart. Even after she said "four chamber heart" I still couldn't be happy. I was thinking, Chase had four chambers, too, but half of them were too small to function. So four chambers didn't really mean much to me.

We saw the blood flow in and out of the heart and great vessels, and it was very clearly red OR blue, not mixed red AND blue. We saw valves functioning normally. I'm no expert and even I could clearly see things looked like what they're supposed to look like.

But I still couldn't exhale. I still couldn't relax.

After the appointment, I gave the technician a hug and headed into a small room to wait on the Maternal-Fetal Medicine (high risk) doctor to confirm her findings. While we waited, I was still numb. Hubs was happy and confused as to why I didn't seem ecstatic. I guess I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The doctor came in all smiles and said everything looked great. He spoke of the heart specifically and how wonderful it looked. Then he asked me what was wrong. I didn't even know what to say. He continued by saying EVERYTHING looked fantastic! There wasn't one little tiny thing that he thought we'd need to watch closely, etc... I smiled and guess I was just waiting for it all to sink in.

Even as hubs and I headed our separate ways after the appointment, I was still numb. To be honest, it's been almost 72 hours since that appointment and I'm still having a hard time believing it. It's so weird to feel like I've finally been given the go-ahead to fall in love with my baby.

I always knew the first half of my next pregnancy after Chase would be tough. It's so hard having missed out on 9 months of the joy, excitement and anticipation of being pregnant -- the last half of Chase's pregnancy and the first half of this one. I'm looking forward to being able to believe this baby is our reality. That God has chosen to bless us with a healthy boy or girl. It's so humbling to think of Him blessing us in that way.

So yes, we're having a healthy baby with a four-chamber heart! And we couldn't be more thankful to the One who gave us this gift!

Thank you to all of you who have been praying for this new little one and for hubs, LO, Chase and I as we walked into the unknown at our appointment. God is so good! And for the record, we'll tell the kids what we're expecting soon, and after they know, we'll share the exciting news with the rest of the world! :)

And finally, for those who are interested, here's the song All of Me by Matt Hammitt along with the lyrics below. It's just amazing.



All of Me
Matt Hammitt

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?
And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

(Chorus)
You're gonna have all of me 
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I'll start

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I share with you

Chorus

Heaven brought you to this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me