Then late last night, I found it difficult to motivate myself to start getting things done. As I lounged on the bed watching hubs pack up his clothes, I started to get overwhelmed. A feeling came over me that I truly haven't dealt with up to this point. It was an emotional response that's been buried in the depths of the back of my mind for so very long:
I don't want to do this.
When I should be overjoyed at the pending arrival of my baby, I'm instead filled with uncertainty.
When I should be packing a simple hospital bag for a day or two, I'm instead packing my entire closet, LO's clothes -- even her bed! -- and several months' worth of things!
When I should be looking forward to holding my precious newborn baby in my arms, I'm instead resentful of the fact that I won't get to do so for who knows how long!
When I should be thinking of a brief hospital stay before bringing my baby home to our family, I'm instead concentrating on how to handle sending my baby with a medical team to open his heart up and perform an 8 hour surgery.
When I should be installing an infant car seat a week or so before my due date, I'm instead wondering if I'll even have the joy of bringing a baby home in that car seat at all.
When I should be worried about bringing home a newborn, getting him onto a schedule and trying to find the time to sleep AND do laundry, I'm instead worried about the countless weeks/months I'll be leaving my baby in the hospital at night, traveling to and from the hospital and splitting my time with my 2-year-old at a temporary home while my heart is aching for my precious son who will be fighting for his life.
When I should be excited about LO meeting her baby brother for the first time, I'm instead overwhelmed at the thought that he might not survive through all of this, and I have no idea how to make a 2-year-old understand that her baby brother is in Heaven and won't be coming home with us.
I don't want to leave the comfort of my home.
I don't want to pack almost every belonging into a box and drive 4 hours away from my family and friends.
I don't want to be forced to make a new home for my family in another city during an already tumultuous time.
I don't want to fear the outcome.
I don't want to fear the unknown.
I don't want to lose my son.
Yes, I fully realize God is in control of our circumstances and He has a perfect plan for my family's life.
But I'm still human.
I feel emotions.
I have fears.
But I will continue to look to Him to lift me up when I'm down.
To give me the strength I need with each new day.
To provide healing to my precious son.
To see my family through the most difficult time in our lives.
He is good. And He loves us. And I know He will help me do what has to be done over the next several weeks. I'm so grateful for his faithfulness. I'm so blessed to rest in Him, even when I'm feeling not-so-inspired.
i will be praying for you and your family..
it will be a long road ahead, just take it one day at a time..
much love and hope,
I began to cry as I read your words today. I cry because I remember feeling the exact same way. Your post took me right back to the weekend I was preparing to leave for Charleston to have Mary Clare. For me, the anxiety of the unknown was the most difficult part. Looking back, our journey was and continues to be a very difficult road sometimes, but nothing compares to those feelings you are having right now. After I had Mary Clare, I was focused on doing everything possible to take care of my family. "Mommy-mode" took over and I prayed and relied on God and MUSC with every part of myself. I don't want to say that it is easier after your heart baby is born, but time actually flew by for me once Mary Clare was born. A new norm takes over and becomes so natural.ReplyDelete
Today it seems like so very long ago that we were in your place right now. You are not alone. It also helps so much to be in Charleston at MUSC with professionals who walk every step of the way with you. Find Dr. Geoffrey Forbus! He is amazing and what got us through it! Just breathe and pray and know that you are amazing and doing exactly what you should be doing! God is with you and so are we!
Please call me anytime!
Remember, we'll be there on Nov 17! I'm coming to meet you and your sweet heart baby!
I know exactly what you are describing. I remember just panicing when the time was coming close for my daughter Aly to be born. It's the unknown that is just unbearable. I know it's easier to say then to do, but just try and stay strong and God will give you the strength you need to deal with the road ahead for your son and your family. I am keeping your family close to my heart and in my prayers.ReplyDelete
I'll be thinking of you out here in CA. I can't imagine what it might be like for you right now, but I am listening from across the US.ReplyDelete
You can do this. Why you were chosen for this will remain unknown, but you CAN do this. He needs you. And you are the right one for the job. Be strong.
You can do this.
I have been where you are. My son has HLHS, and he will be five next month. It still seems like yesterday that we were beginning our journey. It hasn't been easy, but faith has certainly brought us through. Our prayers are with you.ReplyDelete
~Stephanie(mommy to Braeden HLHS almost 5)
Thinking of you and your family. Love that little boy to pieces and the rest will fall into place.ReplyDelete