Then late last night, I found it difficult to motivate myself to start getting things done. As I lounged on the bed watching hubs pack up his clothes, I started to get overwhelmed. A feeling came over me that I truly haven't dealt with up to this point. It was an emotional response that's been buried in the depths of the back of my mind for so very long:
I don't want to do this.
When I should be overjoyed at the pending arrival of my baby, I'm instead filled with uncertainty.
When I should be packing a simple hospital bag for a day or two, I'm instead packing my entire closet, LO's clothes -- even her bed! -- and several months' worth of things!
When I should be looking forward to holding my precious newborn baby in my arms, I'm instead resentful of the fact that I won't get to do so for who knows how long!
When I should be thinking of a brief hospital stay before bringing my baby home to our family, I'm instead concentrating on how to handle sending my baby with a medical team to open his heart up and perform an 8 hour surgery.
When I should be installing an infant car seat a week or so before my due date, I'm instead wondering if I'll even have the joy of bringing a baby home in that car seat at all.
When I should be worried about bringing home a newborn, getting him onto a schedule and trying to find the time to sleep AND do laundry, I'm instead worried about the countless weeks/months I'll be leaving my baby in the hospital at night, traveling to and from the hospital and splitting my time with my 2-year-old at a temporary home while my heart is aching for my precious son who will be fighting for his life.
When I should be excited about LO meeting her baby brother for the first time, I'm instead overwhelmed at the thought that he might not survive through all of this, and I have no idea how to make a 2-year-old understand that her baby brother is in Heaven and won't be coming home with us.
I don't want to leave the comfort of my home.
I don't want to pack almost every belonging into a box and drive 4 hours away from my family and friends.
I don't want to be forced to make a new home for my family in another city during an already tumultuous time.
I don't want to fear the outcome.
I don't want to fear the unknown.
I don't want to lose my son.
Yes, I fully realize God is in control of our circumstances and He has a perfect plan for my family's life.
But I'm still human.
I feel emotions.
I have fears.
But I will continue to look to Him to lift me up when I'm down.
To give me the strength I need with each new day.
To provide healing to my precious son.
To see my family through the most difficult time in our lives.
He is good. And He loves us. And I know He will help me do what has to be done over the next several weeks. I'm so grateful for his faithfulness. I'm so blessed to rest in Him, even when I'm feeling not-so-inspired.